I donâ€™t know about you but Iâ€™d rather breakdance barefoot on broken glass than be rejected by the only person I want and desire.
And yeah, Iâ€™m serious. The pain of losing the one you desire, the shame of being rejected, the self-doubt that sets in when youâ€™ve been denied, they all teach you how emotional pain can feel far worse than physical pain. And Iâ€™m not speaking metaphorically. I would gladly do bloody backspins before suffering heartbreak. The shitty thing isâ€¦ we rarely get to choose.
I was once skateboarding down a super-steep hill in San Francisco when my board started to shake from speed-wobbles. Since I was going faster than cars were driving, when I finally crashed I shoved my hands down just as I hit the pavement. I thought Iâ€™d brace against the impact and then roll. Instead, my hands stuck to the blacktop, I slid the length of numerous parked cars, and I sanded off all the skin from both hands. When I stopped sliding, my hands were smoking. Iâ€™m not kidding. Real smoke. That hurt like a motherfucker. Took weeks before I could use my hands again. But I learned a broken body eventually heals. However, a broken heartâ€¦ feels like itâ€™ll never be whole again. Just like with my skinless smoking hands, I speak from experience.
Recently, a woman Iâ€™d fallen for, she told me we have no future together. Ours was a long distance relationship- an affectionate friendship. And when I say long distance, thereâ€™s an ocean and a continent between us. Iâ€™m such a naÃ¯ve romantic I thought we could overcome such distance. We had the internet to help us. I believed love conquers all. But I learned it canâ€™t conquer the doubts of the one you love.
When she told me she didnâ€™t want do the long distance thing there really wasnâ€™t anything I could say. I offered to visit or move there to be with her. She felt if I relocated, the pressure would be unnatural, and sheâ€™d feel guilty if things didnâ€™t work out. I didnâ€™t understand this line of thinking. I still donâ€™t. But I donâ€™t blame her. I have to accept my heart knows what it wants while hers is unsure. And now, I must find a way to move on. After many long nights, lots of cussing and trips to the beach to let waves wash over me and wipe away my sadness, I wrote out this list. If youâ€™re dealing with heartbreak, it should help you, too.
1. Donâ€™t Consider Your Lossâ€¦ Think Of It As Their Loss
When another person makes it clear they donâ€™t want to be with you how else can you feel other than rejected? But this doesnâ€™t mean itâ€™s your loss. Thatâ€™s looking at the wrong side of the kiss. Rather than focus on how you donâ€™t get to know the softness of their lips. Remember they also miss out on the fullness of yours. And when you see it as their loss and not yours, it helps you maintain your confidence. Too often we focus on what weâ€™re missing. But the one who walked away also misses out on something. You. Thatâ€™s their mistake. Feel bad for them. Pity their loss. If you can see it that way you keep your value and maintain your confidence. Just because they donâ€™t want you doesnâ€™t mean youâ€™re unworthy or unlovable.
2. Accept The Fact You Have No Control Over Outcomes
This oneâ€™s a little more difficult. You may feel tempted to do things to change the outcome. You may think you can win their heart if you just slightly change who and how you are when youâ€™re around them, or maybe act or dress like someone they find more attractive, or perhaps somehow you can make them jealous, or maybe you can seduce them and romantically overwhelm them with the irresistibility of you. But let me tell you, none of that shit will work. You canâ€™t force things to happen. If you try, all you end up doing is looking desperate. And no one likes desperate. Itâ€™s unattractive. It casts a glaring spotlight on your fear you wonâ€™t get what you want. It shows how youâ€™re willing to go to ridiculous lengths to be with the one you want. It suggests you donâ€™t believe it will happen, and that youâ€™re willing to do dumb shit to control the outcome. Instead, of playing games, accept you have no control over other people, no control over situations, and the only thing you can control isâ€¦ yourself.
3. Never Forgetâ€¦ ABC (Always Be Cool)
Which brings us to the best thing you can do. Be cool like Fonzi. You know how The Fonz never acted emotionally stupid? He was unflappable. You have to be cool with whatâ€™s happened. This will feel impossible. But if you remember #1 and #2, it gets easier with each passing day. So during those times when you want to send them a text message, or â€œlikeâ€ a Facebook status update, or you want to retweet something they posted, or maybe even call them up and â€œjust check in,â€ all of these would be motivated by the idea theyâ€™ll see how funny/compatible/perfect for each other you areâ€¦ so just donâ€™t. Remind yourself. ABC. Always Be Cool. Fonzi wouldnâ€™t drunk text someone. He knows itâ€™s their loss. And thatâ€™s your new job. Keep your cool.
4. Allow Yourself Moments to Be Sad (But Donâ€™t Feel Sorry For Yourself)
Now, unlike an imaginary character like The Fonz, youâ€™ll have moments of weakness, moments of sadness, moments when tears wet your cheeks and thereâ€™s not much you can do to stop them. Donâ€™t even try. Thereâ€™s nothing wrong with crying, thereâ€™s nothing wrong with being sad. The only danger is when you let those feelings linger too long. Give yourself moments, days, maybe even weeks of sadness. But eventually, if you continue to dwell on your sadness, youâ€™re just feeling sorry for yourself. And if you need some perspective take a trip down to any burn center or trauma unit whenever you want or need an undeniable reminder of why you shouldnâ€™t feel sorry for yourself.
5. Distract Yourself
If youâ€™re having trouble, forgetting about the one you lost, the best thing to do is distract yourself. Visit people who do care about you. Spend time with folks who bring you joy. Take up a new hobby. Find a new passion. Try something youâ€™ve always been curious about but have yet to ever do. If you have the time and money, travel. If you donâ€™t have the time and money, then let literature and films carry you away. Especially, things that make you laugh. Treat comedy like medicine and when the blues pay you a visit, let laughter be your antidote. Watch old favorites and seek out new funny films as well. The key is not to dwell on you, your past, or your lost future. Distract yourself with positivity. Laughter, like truth, will set you free.
6. Stop Beating Yourself Up
Another key to fighting the temptation to dwell on how you feel is to stop beating yourself up. Itâ€™s not your fault. Sometimes we donâ€™t get what we want. Thatâ€™s just how it goes. So accept this sad piece of wisdom and recognize there probably wasnâ€™t anything you couldâ€™ve done differently. But for the sake of argument, letâ€™s say there was. Well, thereâ€™s nothing you can do about it now. So let it go. Unless you have a time machine, all you can do is learn from the past. You canâ€™t fix it.
7. Give Up The Idea It Might Work Out Eventually
Another thing thatâ€™s super-important is youâ€™ll need to give up the idea things might work out, eventually. Yes, none of us knows what will happen in the future. But that doesnâ€™t mean you should use that as an argument to hold out hope. Maybe the one who got away will realize what theyâ€™re missing and come back, but donâ€™t hang on to such a silly life preserver of hope. Start swimming. Focus on right now. Theyâ€™re gone. So act like theyâ€™re gone and donâ€™t wait for them to come back. If for some reason they do come back, let it be a pleasant surprise. In the meantime, live your life.
8. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
You may find in your darkest moments youâ€™re comparing yourself to others, and their happiness feels like knives between your ribs and darts stabbing you in your eyes. We all love to compare ourselves to others, but just donâ€™t. You never know how others really feel. You think you can see how unfair life is, how another couple is just so goddamn happy, and how they have the perfect life and itâ€™s just so horribly unfair. But you never know. Maybe driving home, a month from now, one of the people in that perfectly happy couple is killed by a drunk driver. And the survivor is left to mourn. Donâ€™t assume anything. And donâ€™t compare yourself. Itâ€™s a waste of your time.
9. Donâ€™t Be Embarrassedâ€¦ Be Proud
You may feel pathetic or pitiful, that youâ€™re obviously an unlovable loser. But youâ€™re not. Youâ€™re just unlucky. Donâ€™t be embarrassed because you put your heart out there and someone else said, â€œNo thanks.â€ Be proud you were willing to love. There are far too many people in this world who will never be as brave as you were. And those people have almost zero chance of ever knowing love because theyâ€™re not trying and failing. You may have failed this time, but anyone whoâ€™s ever wanted anything in this world most likely had their share of disappointments and setbacks. So be proud you risked your heart. And get ready to do it againâ€¦ thatâ€™s the only way youâ€™ll find real and lasting love. Donâ€™t pull a Bogey in â€œCasablancaâ€ and shut your heart off from the world, in the hopes that it never gets broken again. It took a team of screenwriters to get his character, Rick, to open his heart back up. You donâ€™t have that luxury. Just be proud of yourself and keep trying. Love is worth a little pain along the way.
10. Trust Your Future Will Surprise Youâ€¦ And Move On
Finally, hereâ€™s one other piece of advice from Hollywood. William Goldman, the screenwriter who gave us â€œThe Princess Brideâ€ and a number of other great movies, is often quoted for saying a great truth about Hollywood, but it applies to life in general. â€œNobody Knows Anything.â€ These three little words hold so much wisdom. And you, my friend, may think you know how things will turn out, or what to expect in your future, or that you know what youâ€™ve learned from your past, but then one little event occurs or a realization surfaces that proves everything you thought you knew is wrong.
Have faith in the great weirdness of life and trust your future will surprise you. Let the promise of that premise help you to move on. Donâ€™t wait for the future to happen. You still have to get out there and do things to find the love and happiness you deserve. But trust that you never know what tomorrow holds in its hands. And move with eager and open eyes towards the rising sun of a new dawn and perhaps, youâ€™ll get lucky. The future will always surprise you. Sometimes, itâ€™s shitty and youâ€™ll find heartbreak waiting around the bend. Other times, the surprise is more wonderful than you could have designed it.
Wesley Snipes said always bet on black.
Iâ€™m here to remind you to always bet on the great weirdness of life.
Just stay open to love.
Source : Thoughtcatalog